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I recently joined the ranks of people who have the leisure to work out at 10:00. You know, those folks out wandering around shopping no matter when you take your lunch break. The ones who mysteriously clog the roads at 3pm so that you can’t get to your appointment. That’s right: the unemployed.
Before you offer sympathy, my last job was a nightmare. I spent the last two years wanting to be dead as casually and wistfully as most people think about visiting Hawaii, because it seemed like the only way out of the situation. I ran the numbers again and again and couldn’t see a way to make ends meet on only one salary for the two of us, our mortgage, and three dogs that spend more time at the vet than at the dog park.
And then it happened: like a ray of light in a darkened day, my boss, in a fit of pique because I asked to leave on time, screamed “I am the most important person in your life!” and then, after I semi-respectfully disagreed, “Get out and never darken this doorstep again” (y’all, that shit’s verbatim) as he slammed the door to his office in my face.
Which means I get to collect unemployment insurance, and now I can still do things like eat meals and wear clothes and accidentally go to the Banana Republic end-of-season sale “to look for an interview suit.”
Funny thing about unemployment, though. They want you to look for work.
So for the last few weeks I’ve dutifully applied to at least two jobs and conducted three additional “work-seeking activities” and along the way I’ve discovered new and exciting things about myself like I can still write, and I can still paint, and I really hate filling in boxes.
See, one of the ways to maximize your interview chances is to be able to check one of the “diversity boxes” on a firm’s online application. And while I’m whiter than Saltines in Sweden, I’ve got ovaries. So there’s that. And then, every time, I run into this goddamn box: “Sexual preference”
There’s no “yes, please.”
There’s no “it’s complicated.”
Just these neat little boxes waiting for me to shove myself into one of them.
I have no idea why, but part of me always assumes there’s going to be a challenge to my self-identification. After all, I married a man. So I end up worrying about how to prove I’m entitled to check “bisexual.” Will they ask me for an affidavit from my last girlfriend? Will I have to discuss the technical merits of Jill Sobule’s “I Kissed a Girl” over the Katy Perry song of the same name? Do I make out with my interviewer? Will she be cute?
It’s an awkward place to be, this box. It’s got connotations, and assumptions, and I’m not sure how well I fit within its corners. Both solidly-preferential communities seem to be holding their breaths waiting for me to pick sides, and I don’t have a side to pick. If I’m with a man, the hetero community says “oh look, she found the right guy and settled down” and if I’m with a woman I’m “obviously a lesbian who was just trying to fit into heteronormative society.” What if I just like people’s minds, and don’t particularly care what plumbing is attached? I mean, I can barely recognize faces and put them with names, can I be expected to remember who’s an innie and who’s an outie?
In other news, are you hiring? I add diversity to your workplace.
CrossKnit 
I love this post more than anything, because of our shared unemployment and passionate hatred of boxes. I DON’T FIT IN A BOX, CORPORATE ASSHOLES.
Sorry I shouted. I just really hate those boxes.
And I can’t believe they ask about sexual orientation on a job application?? That shit would not fly in Los Angeles.
There’s a “prefer not to answer” option, but you definitely get more points for a diversity box.
they really have boxes like that? what does that have to do with getting a job?
Well, some diversity percentages control whether the company can get certain federal contracts. So they have a kind of legit reason.
huh. things i didn’t know.
I hope the “Chinese” option was a joke and not an actual box you had to fill out.
Part of me is happy that they are acknowledging diversity in sexual orientation. But, like the other diversity boxes, I wonder how that information is actually being used.
As far as I can tell? To score points with a HR drone.
I thought that sexuality question was illegal. What could that possibly have to do with anyone’s ability to do a job? It is amazing how tightly we protect religion. Religion is a choice. Sexuality isn’t. They should have a “none of your goddam business” box.
They do have a “decline to answer” box. But if you decline to answer they put you in the same preference area as a straight white male who doesn’t know anyone they know.
I miss you on the grid, btw! Any chance we’ll see you this week? It doesn’t have to be the Most Serious Post of Seriousness, or I’d never be allowed on!
Aw. Thanks for the encouragement. I miss being there. I started a stupid short term job after a long absence from the ft workforce and it may be killing me. It will be over soon. Then I get thrown back into the unemployment pool again. Maybe I’ll try to scratch something up tonight. I’ve come to depend on your fine editing skills. Being unmoderated actually makes me nervous. Is that crazy?
Aw, I’m blushing! Don’t worry, I’m still reading all the posts and showing some love to the ones with errors. The basic rules haven’t stopped applying! Like the one about passive voice. The other editors are here with pitchforks, I gotta go.
::googles passive voice:: ::dies of embarrassment::
My work here is done 🙂
Yeah, I never know what to check, either. Good luck on the job hunt. Better boss next time!
Couldn’t be worse. I mean, I guess unless I end up with someone who actually grabs my breasts every day to say hello, and even then it would kind of be a toss-up.
I was pretty surprised they’d ask about orientation on a job application, too, but it sounds like it’s for a good reason. Interesting post.
It’s in the same section as “are you a veteran.”
I can’t figure out what “chinese” has to do with sexual orientation. lol
I love your wit, you are so clever! i.e.) innie and an outie. ha!
Besides the whole Chinese thing, I find it funny that they felt the need to elaborate on “Gay woman” and “Heterosexual”. Weird.
I think many people forget that the entire world can’t be categorized by the multiple choice questions on those kinds of forms. i like a neat and tidy society myself, but life is chaos. I recently wrote about the “Marital Status” question on insurance forms. Complicated stuff. Like the flying monkey kind of complicated.
“In case you live in Oregon and don’t know what a lesbian is yet, let me explain…”
My solo practice is mostly focused on estate planning for alternatively-structured families right now. Fascinating stuff. Except the part where I have to ask “are your families cool, or do they shit kittens every time you mention your partner?” That sucks.
clearly i haven’t had to look for a job in some time… thankfully.
I love the way you wrote this post. I have fallen into every FT job I’ve ever had and any application I’ve filled out has been a formality. I don’t think I’ll survive the world of really looking for a job when I eventually find myself in it.
Yeah, I’ve never not had a job within a week of deciding to quit one (as in, before I leave the last job.) This is an alien and stressful vacation. But I’m refinishing the kitchen floor, so I guess go me?
I did it all wrong. I finally QUIT WITH NO JOB because I just couldn’t anymore. So, you know, I don’t need to check boxes but I also have no income.
Trust me, I was very very close to QUIT WITH NO JOB. We had an entire contingency budget (which is so complete that it addresses potential savings from me not becoming an alcoholic).
I mean, I get why the boxes are there, but I loathe them all the same. There is something I find really demeaning about checking a box to tell a potential employer “what you are”.
It’s incredibly dehumanizing. I guess I hate it less than the jobs where you have to cut and paste all your resume information into an online form and then attach your resume anyway?
Congrats on the new-found freedom! I often think the same thing. If one chooses to be monogamous, do you also choose to be either heterosexual or homosexual. If you’re bi, and attracted to both sexes, do you remain bi when you choose a life partner? Such a confusing subject.
Exactly. It’s like half of your identity just vanishes. If you define sexuality by attraction, and you still think both Patrick Stewart and Judi Dench are hot? Still bi. If you don’t think Judi Dench is hot we might have problems, but they won’t be with defining your sexuality 🙂
I’m a square peg. I get you here! I know the unemployment office well, not recently, but very well. The problem I had, is I was let go and 2.5 months preggers. The longer I was out of a job, the bigger I got, the lessening chance I had ANY chance getting a new job. Yeah, weird times. I loved this post.
Oh ugh. Yeah, I guess at least I’m not pregnant. That must have been hugely stressful. I’m so sorry. It sounds rotten.
Wow, it’s weird how times change. Like Christina, I obviously haven’t had to look for a job for some time. So they used to ask women whether they planned to have kids and leave the work force, and now they’re not supposed to do that, but they can ask about your sexual orientation? That’s both legal and PC? Ewwwww….
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Good thing I set down my drink before reading. This was a trap wasn’t it? You almost got me! Beautiful post here. Humorous, entertaining, well written and thought provoking.
I love this post so hard. The saltines in sweden line was perfection. Congratulations on ditching that soul destroying job, by the way.
Great writing.
That boss of yours? Holy shit, what a dick. Best of luck avoiding that next time around.
This is the tip of the iceberg, seriously. I’m almost at the point where I’m comfortable posting some of my transcribed conversations with this guy. Almost. But they’d read like fiction.
DO IT! 🙂