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There are three stages to growing your hair out: oh fuck, what the fuck, and why the fuck. Depending on the length of your hair, you may be lucky enough to start at what the fuck, but most people start at oh fuck. 

Oh fuck is the length at which you realize that there is literally no cut that will save you now. Whether you started with bangs, a pixie, or a shave, you will reach oh fuck approximately 2 haircuts into growing your hair out. At oh fuck, you will need to acquire a LOT of product and probably some tiny clips or accessories. Oh fuck is the length at which your hair begins touching you nonconsensually at the gym, so grab some headbands too.

What the fuck is how long your hair is when you realize that you could be doing something with it… but what the fuck. What the fuck is when you learn to french braid and acquire a blow dryer. What the fuck is when you embrace your inner Beatle. What the fuck is when you start that emo band. What the fuck is when you get the scene hair you always wanted but now you wish you didn’t have it.

Why the fuck isn’t something you’ll be able to determine on your own. You’ll reach why the fuck sometime after your desired length, and yet find yourself still growing your hair. Why the fuck may take years for some people. Why the fuck is the point at which someone – again, probably not you – realizes that for no reason at all you are still doing this, long beyond the point of feasibility, for the challenge of it, because you don’t know how to stop. Why the fuck is the point at which you actively fear cutting your hair and undoing all that work, even though you don’t want long hair anymore. Why the fuck is often seen on aging metalheads and people leaving college who haven’t been able to afford a haircut in four years. The most important thing about why the fuck is when someone asks you why the fuck your hair is like that you shouldn’t have an answer.

I’m currently at what the fuck, and the only thing keeping me from the clippers is that I don’t think I can make it through oh fuck again. So… who knows about hair dye?

Look, it’s not all social justice all the time. Just on days ending in y between oh fuck thirty and fuckoff o’clock.