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So my writing partner (do we say bookwife now?) is obsessive about her metrics. She knows exactly how many views she gets per day. She knows if someone’s been through her whole blog. She knows what posts are performing how. She doesn’t do anything with this information, or change anything about how her posts are structured based on it, but she knows it.

Me, I’m the opposite. I find out that I’ve been Discovered or Freshly Pressed or whatever WordPress calls it now when I get the “your post had 500 likes today! that’s a new record!” email two days later. It took me like three full days to figure out that this post had gone viral, and I still might not have known except for all the Neo-Nazis who popped up to tell me what a useless cunt I am. Hi, boys, I know it makes you feel edgy and important but like most people don’t even know what 88/14 means, lol. If you follow that link you’ll note that Neo-Nazis are also terrible at spelling. Even at spelling “Hitler.”

Except for this one thing.

So, I do pop in to check metrics every couple months or whatever, and uniformly one of my posts outperforms all the others. Yes, more than the viral post. More than the identity-based post I wrote back when I was looking for work that WordPress picked up, more than any post that’s gotten Five-Starred or ANY OTHER INTERNET RECOGNITION, (including that one thing that used to be for women but now it’s like 40% gay men <sarcasm> because of course it is in no way ridiculous or transphobic to equate women and gay men </sarcasm> and their “conference” is a giant expo of people trying to sell you stuff, no link because I won’t even give them the clicks).

You know what it is?

It’s a rant about pet ownership titled “Fuck you, dogs.”

For some reason that I may never discern (this isn’t an opportunity to explain it to me: I’m being funny, I just don’t give enough of a fuck to do the work) this post has perfect SEO. Or something. It is my SINGLE best post of all time. I get hits on this post from search engines I didn’t know existed before they showed up in my stats. Weird bots pick it up. It has a huge spam following. It gets GLOBAL hits. Probably Putin has read this post. WHY. WHYYYYYYYYY.

It doesn’t have porn.

It doesn’t have ANY SEO manipulation.

There are no links out.

It’s barely grammatical and not at all engaging.

It doesn’t even have a fucking featured image.

None of the things you’ve been told to do to your blog have been done to this post, and yet. And yet.

Anyway, your stats are meaningless, because my post about how much I am mildly irritated by a greyhound, a Weimaraner, and a dachshund is apparently the best post of all time, so there.

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