So, I was procrastinating doing the laundry today. Big surprise, right? But the cat was on the basket, what was I supposed to do, move her? Anyway, long story short (too late) I ended up on, you guessed it, the Internet.


So there I was, procrastinating along and having a good time, and I ran into That One Guy That Fucks Up Everything. I know, I know, #notallthatoneguys and in fact this time it was a woman, but you know exactly what I mean.

Picture it.

sophia looks

…Sicily… 1922…

You’re in a room. Maybe a real room, maybe a chatroom, maybe just your bedroom with your laptop actually on the top of your lap. You and your friends are chatting, joking, and riffing off one another’s ideas. Someone says something that’s actually a line in a song, so you say the next line. Another friend chimes in and another and then… ThatOneGuy chimes in with a sentence that isn’t even remotely related to what you’re talking about.

Record scratch, full stop.

Today, it went a little like this:

That deteriorated quickly

That deteriorated quickly

So here’s the question that keeps bugging me. The one that I can’t put down, that I’m curious enough to actually sit down and try to write out:


“Hm. A dozen people are quoting lyrics back and forth at each other. I will quote something else. Or not quote. In fact, I think I’m just going to say some words.”

Do you not even understand what is going on? Are you so desperately unfamiliar with your own culture that you do not know the lyrics to popular cult songs like Bohemian Rhapsody or the Time Warp or Somewhere Over the Rainbow? Is that it?

Or are you horrified by the idea of being left out, of not participating in this game? So horrified that you would rather ruin the game for everyone else than not play? Because if that’s so, I have some wonderful news for you. Google the fucking lyrics and you can play too! And literally nobody will know how fucking ignorant you are!

It’s possible that my guardian devil just likes seeing me scream SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP at the computer. That could be it. But it happens to more people than just me, so I can’t simply write it off as supernatural malice.

Now, I should take a moment to note that I’m not talking about mondegreens, those adorable misheard song lyrics that result in phrases like “Scuse me while I kiss this guy” or “there’s a bathroom on the right.” Or if you’re my mother, “He rocks in the treetops all the day long, huffin and puffin and singin his song. All the little birdies on Daybird Street…” I mean, anyone can mishear or misremember lyrics. But this isn’t that. This is That One Guy.

Starting at 2:40, this is also That One Guy. Uh. Sorry about the gore. It’s a Trey Parker movie. The cyclops’ reaction is pretty much exactly what I want to do every time this happens.

Just. If someone can explain this shit to me… you may someday save a life. In the meantime, I’ll be over here singing quietly to myself in the corner.