Here’s an oldie but a goodie. I’ve been mining through my old logs, journals, blogs and what have you, under some kind of illusion that I’m going to build a more unified brand or whatever the kids are calling it these days.

So I ran across this post from 2008, when I was getting ready for my own wedding oh my god has it been that long scuse me I have go go cry or throw up or something now, but anyway… I have a friend getting ready for her own wedding next year and I’ve got brides on the mind and in case you were wondering if I’ve always Been Like This? I have.

BrideYelling

Chicago, 2008.

OK, Angry Bride is back. My dress is bought, I’m *thisclose* to actually having a site picked out, and I’m pulling pages out of magazines that have ideas in them I like. The downside of this is that I also get to see all the stupidity in the bridal world, and it makes me want to KILL. All questions herein are ACTUAL questions asked by ACTUAL brides. But Angry Bride! I hear you say. How do I make sure you won’t make fun of my question? I have a real question, and I have to know the answer!

Oce again, I recommend that all brides follow this simple three-step process:
1) Have a friend.
2) Ask yourself “am I being a stupid bitch?”
3) If you can’t figure out if you’re being a stupid bitch, ask your friend.

I had to do this just yesterday. Turns out, I was being a stupid bitch. Happens to the best of us. What I don’t get is why certain stupid bitches have to share their stupidity with everyone… and why bridal mags think anyone shares their concerns. If this is a representative sampling of the population, obtaining need-to-know information, we’re all doooooomed.

Don’t worry: these people are no-one you’re friends with. How do I know this? because they don’t have friends, they don’t deserve friends… you’ll see.

So, with no further ado, here are the REAL questions. For your convenience and my ease of typing, please imagine “You Stupid Bitch” wherever I’ve put “YSB.”

(from Brides, Nov/Dec 2007) I want my 15 year old niece to be a junior bridesmaid, but she’s resisting. How do I change her mind?
You don’t. That’s a 15-year old girl. Why would you want someone in your wedding that’s going to be miserable, and resentful, and scowling in all the photos? However, if you are dead set on ruining her day AND yours, I understand a handful of $100 bills can be very persuasive. YSB.

(from Brides, Nov/Dec 2007) When we were first dating, I went camping with my fiance and pretended to like it. Now he wants to do a camping honeymoon! I’d rather stay home. How do I tell him?
Tell him what, that your whole relationship is founded on a lie and you’re not the woman he thinks you are and wants to marry? Way to go, YSB. This is why we shouldn’t lie to people. You should give his ring back and leave him. Or be honest which, given your track record, is unlikely.

(from Brides, Nov/Dec 2007) Can I ask my bridesmaids not to cut their hair until the wedding? I really want everyone to have the same hairdo.
Um, no? What…. no, I don’t even want to know why you think it’s OK to intrude on your bridesmaids’ choices that way or what else you’re asking from them.

(from Brides, Nov/Dec 2007) Can my fiance invite his dad to the bachelor party? I think it’s weird but they’re like best friends.
None of your business. Truly. None. Why do you care who’s at the bachelor party? You’re not going. I don’t get why anyone would marry someone they don’t trust enough to butt the hell out of the bachelor party. And his DAD? seriously? Unless his dad is a real animal, you probably couldn’t ask for a better chaperone.

(from Brides, Nov/Dec 2007) My mother is a size 24 and wants to wear a red strapless dress to my wedding. Bad choice, right?
Maybe, but in the end it’s not *your* choice, so suck it up. I know plenty of big women who can RAWK a red dress. If you can think of something she’ll look better in, feel free to suggest it, but your taste is already suspect.

(from Modern Bride, Dec/Jan 2008) Should I tell people who might think they are invited to our wedding that they aren’t?
Were you the kid who handedout invitations in front of kids that weren’t invited to your party? Why would you do this? More importantly, what have you been doing to give all these people the impression that they’re invited to your wedding? 1) shut up about your wedding. 2) don’t verbally invite. 3) chances are, you’re not as popular as you think and those people won’t show up… without you having to say a thing.

OK, that’s it for this installment of Angry Bride. Stay tuned for next time, when Angry Bride says…. you stupid bitch.

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