So, I don’t have kids.  Don’t want em, not interested.  I like other people’s kids just fine.  I like my nephews in law, and my protostepnephew.  I babysat growing up.  Intelligent people, please have more kids.  I just… I can’t.  It’s not in me.  And rather than sitting through the Sticky Years, in which the child is basically 50% adhesive 100% of the time, and then forcing another human being to suffer through another 15-20 years of me resenting him or her for that… I’m not going to do that.  Love your adorable kids.  Just don’t ask me when I’m having any.

And yet.

It’s human nature to want unconditional love.  To want someone to REALLY care if you come home.  Someone totally in your power.  So I have three dogs and two cats and The Boy.

But, you guys, I’m starting to think maybe that was a bad idea too.  Because part of me not having kids was I thought I wouldn’t have to say stuff like this:

(I promise, I only say “mommy” about the dogs ironically.)

“Please don’t walk in your sister’s pee anymore, mommy is trying to clean it up”

“I don’t care if she bit you, I just watched her tell you to stay out of her vagina FIVE TIMES.”

“No really, OUT OF THE VAGINA.”


“If mommy promises not to look, do you promise to eat up ALL of kitty’s vomit before mommy is done in the bathroom?”

“What’s that noise?”

“You’re too quiet.”

“I CAN’T HEAR YOU. ARE YOU IN TROUBLE?” (The Weimaraner understands this to be me calling her.  She comes running from wherever she is.)

“Kitty Roca is not a special treat!”

“Don’t pick a fight with the cat, I’ll let her win”

“GENTLE with the kitty”


“[full name] don’t MAKE me come get you!”

Go on. Laugh it up.  But they’ll never say “You’re RUINING MY LIIIIIFE!”