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So I’m sitting here with some really amazing BBQ Hot Dogs (I wrote that with capitals and then started to fix it and then unfixed it again because they’re actually good enough to be a proper noun) that The Boy made, and drinking a seltzer because holy crap I woke up at 5:30 this morning and looked at my email and thought that it would be a really good idea to start the day right then with some Wheat Thins, cream cheese, pineapple jalapeno jelly, and a hard cider…

See, I’ve got this client.  And this client had this employee.  And, well, not to belabor the point, but this employee didn’t want to come to work.  In fact, this employee asked my client if they would lay him offTHREE TIMESSo you can imagine my client’s surprise when, after giving this employee basically everything he asked for, he sued them for firing him.

And these, my friends, are the undisputed facts of the case.  You can put this shit in your summary judgment motion, right up front.  The only thing in dispute is why they asked him to please not apply to work for them any more after they agreed to lay him off.  Yeah.  Yeah, he apparently wanted to come back at some point, I don’t know, maybe because life is hard and unemployment only lasts so long, even if you get another job and have really good times hunting and dude, you need better privacy settings on your Facebook page, but thanks, that one picture with the puppy was fucking adorable.

So, anyway, we were gearing up for depositions in that case (for you non-attorneys or non-US citizens, that’s when one attorney gets to ask a party or witness a bunch of questions, under oath, and there aren’t really rules of evidence, you can just ask anything “reasonably calculated to lead to” evidence that you could use in a trial, and the other guy’s attorney can basically object to the form of question you asked but that’s about it) and that’s one of the REALLY good times to settle a case, right before all the attorneys put in a bunch of time (which is totally just money) and then it costs everyone more, and settlement figures go up, and… yeah.

So, we settled the damn thing today (we think; until the agreement is on paper anything can happen) and now I suddenly have a bunch of free time this week which is both really nice and kind of a bummer because I do thrive on litigation, as much as I resent the fussy, fiddly parts.  Litigation is like knitting lace, or doing a muscle-up.  There are parts that just suck, and you have to do them over and over, and then there are really really fun parts (nupps and ring dips, I’m looking at YOU), and then when the whole thing goes together just right you feel LIKE A GOD and … well, I imagine you do.  I’ve still not got my muscle up.  But I will, and then it will be like that time I blocked my first Estonian shawl and was like “oh that’s why blocking wires. hunh.”

So today I woke up in Olympia, Washington, because I was out way too late last night having fun with some friends, and I rolled over and looked at my phone and found out The Boss was starting some drama, incoherently, from his iPad, and ok, that woke me up right quick and eventually there were some phone calls and I kept trying to drive back to Portland and getting called to do an email and my boss broke his phone TWICE this weekend and co-counsel broke his once and opposing counsel kept trying to text them both even though neither of them texts and finally, FINALLY, we got things emailed and called and confirmed and de-fussed to the point where I could do the drive in stages and just pull over and do some stuff from my iPad at EVERY REST AREA IN WASHINGTON and finally we settled it around Exit 50 or so and I made it home….

But I’m not here to rant about that.

My client is paying a nontrivial amount of money to a shithead who is, first last and in between, wrong.  In my humble opinion.  Why?  Because it will cost my client significantly more to win the case than that.  WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. WRONG. WITH. THIS. PICTURE.

In American law, the winner does NOT automatically pay the loser’s attorney fees.  Sure, in contract cases most times they do, because that’s a clause in the contract.  And in some specific kinds of civil cases, the law itself provides for attorney fees going one way or the other.  But by and large, in tort cases, in employment litigation… well, in employment litigation, that’s one of those statutory critters, and in my jurisdiction the employer has to pay the employee’s fees (if the employee wins) but not the other way round.

It would cost my client more to go through the system and 100% win and be proven right than it does to pretend to be wrong.

In the words of the Onyxia Wipe guy (that’s totally NSFW for noise, although the pictures are… oh, they’re probably NSFW too)

WHAT THE FUCK

WAS THAT SHIT.

So, that’s my unhappy for the day.  I would have loved to try this case.  I don’t say that very often, cause stuff really can go one way or the other.  But I really REALLY wanted to tell the jury about how we BEGGED this fucker to come to work AND HE REFUSED THREE TIMES and then SUED US BECAUSE HE WASN’T WORKING FOR US and WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.

I don’t even.

I think it’s time for another cider, and maybe a trip to Ross for some new dog beds.  Because, you know, in TOTAL OTHER NEWS I came home from my trip to to a clean house.  With mopped floors. and he cleaned the stove including the little bowls under the burners and you guys if this is a pod person please help me not scare it off i hope it likes the same kind of food The Boy does.

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