TL;DR This is a post about writing and the process of writing and the thinky-thoughts that happen in that process and if that bores you, go ahead and flee now. There are many cat videos available for you.
Lately I’ve begun to self-identify as a writer. I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal, but the jump from “I write” to “I’m a writer” feels almost threatening.
Part of this process has been for me look at myself and my writing and see if I’m becoming the writer I’d like to be. So I’ve been engaging in discussions, paying attention, and trying to listen more than I speak. Because here’s the really scary thing about writing: as a writer, you don’t get to decide what you just said. The reader decides.
This is a theme I see over and over, especially in debates on the internet. Someone writes a thing, someone else says “I think that thing you just said is bullshit” and the writer responds “That’s not what I said.”
Yes it is.
Yes, it is what you said.
It is exactly what you said, and I can scroll up, scroll down, cut and paste it. There’s no going back. We all know what you said.
This gets especially sensitive in discussions of racism, privilege, gendered thinking, and damn near any other place I can put my foot in my metaphorical mouth up to the hip. I’m lucky enough to have friends who trust me enough to call me on my bullshit. And I’m lucky enough to be in communities where people are kind and generous enough to not only call out offenses, but explain why they are offensive.
And then, in the middle of these discussions, “that’s not what I said”
Scroll up.
It’s exactly what you said.
It’s not what you meant. Or you didn’t know it meant what this person says it means.* That’s not the same thing.
Confronted with this, the author resorts to “well, I didn’t know. It meant something different to me. Can’t you be nice about it? You know I mean well.“
Let’s confront another truth here: a person you are harming has no duty to be nice to you.
Would it help to look at it like a peanut allergy? You grew up eating peanut butter. It’s delicious.** You enjoy peanuts and want to share your sandwich with a friend. She has a life-threatening peanut allergy that you don’t know about. She knocks your hand away, yelling “Are you trying to poison me?”
Of course you weren’t. But she doesn’t have any duty to explain her medical history to you while she’s at risk of anaphylaxis. Your job is to get the goddamn peanuts out of her face and apologize. You may explain that you didn’t know any better. What you may not do is tell her peanuts are delicious and healthy. Or that she misinterpreted your offer, because no. You offered her poison. The fact that your definitions of poison differ doesn’t make her statement or reaction untrue or inappropriate.
So that’s what I’m staring at: at some point I will put my foot in it. I will have said that stupid thing. I’m hoping I have the grace to apologize when I’m called out, to listen, and to acknowledge the very real hurt that words can cause, even if I didn’t mean it that way.
*Which is okay! It’s totally okay to not know things!
**No it isn’t.
CrossKnit 
I like “Yeah Write”. The varying perspectives and levels of ability continue to intrigue me. If am going to vote on a challenge I make sure to carefully read every entry. I have to admit I can be wary of posts about writing, but I am always eager to be surprised and engaged. That is why the quick dismissal of the “wrong” type of reader to the intellectual boneyard of cat videos is disappointing and not worthy of your skillful writing. As you assert in your post, the reader is not the enemy, so there is no reason to alienate her in the first paragraph. I like reading your posts, but I also unapologetically enjoy the occasional cat video. What can I say? I like cats. The two interests are not mutually exclusive.
I’m not sure I’d describe cat videos as an intellectual boneyard. I hate reading posts about writing more than anything and always appreciate a disclaimer letting me know I can return to my beloved Henri. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLBFF9C8FDCA022547
I must have misintpreted your intent. I didn’t realize it was a friendly invitation. I apologize. I’ve gotten too used to hearing the enjoyment of cat videos used as a put down. (My cat is snoozing on my stomach as I write this.)
Hoo boy. You are right about one thing. People can and will be offensive. I guess what it comes down to is what we choose to take away from it. Although we may not intend to hurt, coments may come across as being mean . Alternately it depends on what we need to do in order to ensure that we become better writers. So do we choose to say what we want to say irrespective of how it will be regarded? This was a thought provoking post. Both for writers and for life.
Interpretation is a tricky thing, not just in writing but in every day communication. Our minds aren’t the same.
Oh my, I love this. “That’s not what I said” irks me so much in conversation, let alone when there is a trail of posts/comments/video to back it up. The peanut butter allergy is a great example. We’ve all heard the equivalent of “Come on, don’t get all hung up on it. Chill out, they’re just legumes. I’ve been eating them my whole life.”
And, thanks so much for the Guide to Derailing Conversations link. Priceless.
Thanks, I hope you get some good mileage out of it 🙂
What a great analogy! True: “as a writer, you don’t get to decide what you just said. The reader decides.”
And we should all reserve the right to be offended. If all else fails, though, I’d rather go watch the kitty videos. I’ve never gotten anywhere trying to argue my point on the internet. 🙂
Brilliantly stated. I think I might have to share this far and wide. I’m sure I’ve been guilty of trying to defend something hurtful but hope to remember this in the future.
You are a writer. A damn fine one.
This is so very hellyes. “You offered her poison. The fact that your definitions of poison differ doesn’t make her statement or reaction untrue or inappropriate” is the best explanation for the cognitive disconnect between what is put out and what is received, and the stretch necessary for the sandwich-person to rethink their peanut butter. A timely reminder for all of us to stop for a second and try to look outside of our perspective and see if what we have on offer is what we really want to give.